Faith & Worship Faith & Worship

Drama Sketches #4

The Walls of Jerry Cohen

Hopelessly irreverent, I'm afraid!


A - Morning, class... Yes, it's us - the terrible twins. I'm afraid we've been volunteered to take Sunday school this morning... Aren't you the lucky ones!

B - It's only 'cos the Minister's got it in for us - all because of some nasty rumours spread about by certain people not a million miles away from here!

A - And I'll tell you now, we're not very good at this sort of thing - so anyone looking bored will get thumped!

B - I told him it wasn't us who tied his cat's tail to the back of his car, or put superglue on the handles of the collection plates...

A - The other problem is the fact that there's no spare bibles - and it's a boring Old Testament story!

B - And he thinks it was us who put damson gin in the communion cups, and got the old ladies tipsy! Not to mention the famous swapping of the visiting preacher's notes for a sketch about a dead parrot - Would we do something like that?!

A - So we'll have to try and remember the story, and give you our version - there won't be much difference!

B - At least they can't prove anything!

A (TO B) What are you rambling on about?

B - I was just saying...

A - Can we get on with the story?

B (SHRUGS) Oh, please yourself!

A - OK then, so today's story is about this Jewish bloke, Cohen. And he had this mega-famous heavy metal band, 'The Walls of Jerry Cohen', and they were loud... LOUD cannot begin to describe just how loud The Walls of Jerry Cohen were...

B - Yea! You might think Metallica and all that lot are loud. Well, I'll tell you something. You could shove all that lot together, with their amps turned up full, and put The Walls of Jerry Cohen on the planet Neptune - and I'll guarantee that when they turned on their Fender Nuclear Megablaster Holocaust PA system on, you wouldn't hear anything else... for months!... THEY WERE LOUD!

A - Not only were they LOUD, they were good. they had loads of backing singers, and a full brass section - very classy. Anyway, to cut a long story short, one day Jerry's manager Big G came up with this really impressive gig - the gig to end all mega-gigs - in this big city.

B - 'Go for it, my son!' said Big G. 'Go out there and SLAY them - You can do it!'

A - It was some gig. It took them six days just to get all the cables laid, and organise rehearsals!

B - Then Big G got his publicity machine going. There were posters, leaflets, adverts on satellite television - THE WORKS. Believe me, everyone in that city knew they were in for the gig of the century. Forget the three tenors concert, Live Aid, Band Aid, Elastoplast - this was going to be the one to remember!

A - Trouble was - until then the city folk thought it was going to be a Barry Manilow concert. They were a trifle miffed!

B - So on the Saturday night the lights went out, and Jerry gave the all-clear to switch on the Megablaster Holocaust PA - and the brass section launched into their big opening number...

A - Well, someone must have fiddled with something, because the noise and feedback was totally, mind-blowingly amazing and awesome. I mean, you might have seen some classy female singer shatter a wine glass with a high note. You might have heard of an act 'bringing the house down'... Well, Jerry brought the walls down as well!

B - He was GOBSMACKED!... Big G said it was the most cool, amazing gig ever, and told Jerry that the publicity alone was worth millions!

A - The locals weren't terribly chuffed though. There was a very angry letter in the local paper the following week from the Barry Manilow fan club!

B - Well, that's it really - or something like that, anyway... Oh wow, was that the last hymn? Doesn't time fly...

A - Right, we're off... unfinished business to take care of, before a tube of Superglue runs out!

They exit!


(See Drama index)

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